Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Yeah Baby She's Got It


There's a little black spot on the sun today
In keeping with recent tradition, I was thwarted yet again today in my attempts to witness another rare celestial phenomena, the Transit of Venus. June in Montana. I should have known better than to hope for anything more than watching pods of clouds flush from gray to grayer. And so alas, I did not gaze up between the lodgepoles too watch this amiable planet zip across the path of our sun, a small beauty mark on a bright face. Disappointing as this was, I did get to thinking that while the planet is cool and all, there is more than one Venus out there. So be on the look out! But first, please click here.

A Guide to Recognizing Your Venuses

(1) Miss Venus of Willendorf, coming in at 4.3 inches of sweet, solid oolitic limestone. Promoting baby-making for over 24,000 years in a cave near you. (See also Barry White.) 


(2) Venus aka Aphrodite aka Goddess of Love, Sex, and Beauty. With moniker like that is it any wonder that one of her creation stories reports she sprang forth from the frothy, seafoamy result of Uranus's castration in the sea, and not as a baby, but rather as a voluptuous and nubile woman? In truth, I always found her a little slutty, relentlessly cuckholidng poor workingman Hephaestus like that. But who am I to judge?


(3) Oh, Snap! The fly-trap! Aahhhhh! Audrey II...Feed me Seymour... the horror, the horror. This Venus needs no introduction. She is a total, total badass. Turning the tables on nature's traditions, this carnivorous plant has been exacting revenge on the insect world one fly at a time. Let her get big enough, she just might mow a dentist. Rick Moranis, I'm looking at you.



(4) V.E.N.U.S. Victoria Experimental Network Under the Sea. Basically like seaQuest, but stationary. And without linchpin Darwin, the talking dolphin. 


(5) Mz. Williams, genetically-engineered cyborgian sister, tennis champ.
Physical characteristics: Arms and thighs of steel. Flashy outfits.
Habitat: High-class tennis courts of the world.
Diet: Trophies, mostly. Jamba Juice, blood of Serena, the odd tennis ball. 


2 comments:

  1. There is also a women's leg razor named Venus. :P

    ReplyDelete
  2. Indeed! I love that you know that...

    ReplyDelete